I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
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Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Dune (2021)
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.