They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
You Might Also Like
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Found the job I’m suited for
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.