Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
You Might Also Like
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad