Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
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Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Very good! 👍😂
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Finally!
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.