The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
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give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
What personal space?
My dog
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC