The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
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Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.