I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
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Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Breaking news:
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order