I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
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My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass