gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
You Might Also Like
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese