A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
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2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I’m too immature for adultery.