If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
This line from Airplane.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.