Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
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If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
work smarter, not harder
you stereotypes are all alike