My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
It be like that sometimes 😆
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed