It be like that sometimes 馃槅
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364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an 脺ber.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don鈥檛 want to be married to them.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn鈥檛 believe my luck.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
True?