My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

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[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist


I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.


Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.


Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.


*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*


In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.


*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?


Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?


Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.