@Leslie_Annie

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

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@JasonNotEvil

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

@lucidchemistry

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

@Kim_pulsive

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

@OneyeBogey

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

@BrooksErrDay584

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

@AlanFelyk

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

@PinkCamoTO

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

@causticbob

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

@Writepop

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.