i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
You Might Also Like
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
This is my bus stop.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
#NeverForget
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*