Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
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The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.