In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.