Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
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*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Monday
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Sing it!
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.