Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
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In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?