*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
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if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My guardian angel deserves a raise
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”