I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
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All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.