I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
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Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.