accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
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76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
When someone says you are so lazy