‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
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I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.