Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
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Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
We’re all getting idioter.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.