To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?