Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
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Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
He just like my cat fr
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve