Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
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if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Who did it better?
Morning.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.