Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I feel it
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]