Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
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Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again