Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
#CoronaOutbreak
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*