*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
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When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs