You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
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I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.