I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?