me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
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Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I’ve had worse
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.