I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
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People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
The Struggle
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?