Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
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How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Breaking news:
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah