Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement