wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
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Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.