wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
