zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
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date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
(Electricians.)
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018