Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
I moved the damn towel.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.