Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.