Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

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My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.


Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.


[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence


Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”


Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird


me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue


Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.