I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
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Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka