Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday