In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
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Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Get in loser we’re going crying