Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
You Might Also Like
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic