Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
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YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him