Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
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To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
he chose this
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him