@goldengateblond

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

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@UncleDuke1969

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

@Pundamentalism

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

@UnFitz

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

@netflix

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

@JohnLyonTweets

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

@LeBearGirdle

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

@kevinthedad

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

@kiralc

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

@DrDogMD

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

@MegsHAUSTED

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.