@UncleDuke1969 [Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
@goldengateblond Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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@UncleDuke1969 
@Pundamentalism WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
@UnFitz Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
@netflix DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
@JohnLyonTweets [first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
@LeBearGirdle *looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
@kevinthedad My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
@kiralc I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
@DrDogMD Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
@MegsHAUSTED Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.