Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
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I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
it’s the silliest best thing
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy