Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
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Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.