Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
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me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.